All Problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

Why You Dislike Yourself

What is the goal of someone who does not like themself? Could not liking oneself be judged as a virtue?

{{c1::Encouragement}} is the approach of assisting someone accepting themselves as they are right now and having courage to improve.

The goal of not being hurt in relationships is served by not liking yourself. You can use your shortcomings as a justification why you are alone.

To get rid of one's problems, all one can do is live in the universe all alone, but one cannot do this.

All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

Being alone is not what makes you feel lonely. Loneliness is a feeling of being excluded from people around you.

Adler asserts that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems.

Feelings of Inferiority are Subjective Assumptions

Feelings of inferiority are subjective interpretations. Comparing yourself to another person (an interpersonal relationship) causes a subjective feeling of inferiority.

An Inferiority Complex is an Excuse

Feelings of inferiority are something everyone has and there is nothing bad about them themselves.

People enter this world as helpless and have a universal desire to escape the helpless state: the {{c1::pursuit of superiority}} (hoping to improve or perusing an ideal state). Everyone is in this condition of wanting to improve. On not being able to reach one's ideals, one has a sense of being lesser. The feeling of inferiority can promote striving and growth along with the pursuit of superiority.

There are people who lose the courage to take a step forward and lose sight of the fact that the situation can be changed through realistic efforts.

The inferiority complex must not be confused with a feeling or feelings of inferiority.

Complex refers to an abnormal mental state made up of a complicated groups of emotions and ideas. For example, the Oedipus complex.

The {{c1::inferiority complex}} is a condition of using feelings of inferiority as an excuse (examples: I am not well educated so I cannot succeed, I am not good looking so I cannot get married).

Braggarts have Feelings of Inferiority

A {{c1::feeling of inferiority}} is a condition that is too heavy to endure forever: the healthiest way to compensate is to strive and grow. People who lack the courage to take steps forward and grow end up having an inferiority complex.

The {{c1::superiority complex}} is when one is suffering from strong feelings of inferiority and cannot tolerate the {{c2::inferiority complex}}. To compensate in a different easy way, it is to act as if one indeed is superior and fabricate a feeling of superiority.

Making a show of being on good terms with an authority is a fabricated feeling of superiority and at the base of this is an intense feeling of inferiority.

A person who boasts about their achievements and recalls their past glories can be said to have a {{c1::superiority complex}}. A person who brags only does so out of a feeling of inferiority (someone who really has confidence does not feel the need to boast).

Bragging about one's own misfortune: a person who has a boasting way of saying how their upbringing or past was hard, and then who says "you don't understand how I feel" is making themselves special by way of their misfortune and do so to try to place themselves above others. Using misfortune as an advantage to control another party, to make them worry, and restrict their speech and behavior shows how weakness can be strong. The strongest person in our culture would be the baby because they rule and cannot be dominated through their weakness.

Life Is Not a Competition

The image is of people moving forward and people moving forward behind them. It is not a mindset of competition. It is enough to just keep moving in a forward direction without competing with anyone. There is no need to compare ourselves to others. We do not walk in order to compete with others. It is only to progress past who one is now.

A heathy {{c1::feeling of inferiority}} comes from a comparison with one's ideal self, not others. Other people are different from us and are different. We are not the same, but we are equal.

You're the Only One Worrying About Your Appearance

If there is competition at the core of {{c1::interpersonal relationships}}, it will not be possible to avoid problems. When one is conscious of competition, victory, and defeat, it is inevitable that feelings of inferiority will arise, and the inferiority and superiority complex are extensions of that.

It could become that every person in the world is seen as your enemy. Enemies who must never be underestimated. Even if you keep winning, if you place yourself in competition, you will never have peace. Living in competition will make the world seem a perilous place overflowing with enemies.

From Power Struggle to Revenge

There is a difference between {{c1::anger}} (a tool for making others submit) and {{c2::righteous indignation}} (which goes beyond one's own interests).

If someone is abusive to you, think about their hidden goal; the person is challenging you to a {{c1::power struggle}}. The goal may be to get in a fight, and then prove their power by winning the fight. Do not get taken in by the provocation. If you engage in a {{c1::power struggle}} and the other person withdraws, then the person will move to the next stage: {{c2::revenge}}.

When one is challenged to a power struggle, do not allow yourself to be taken in.

Admitting Fault is Not Defeat

What to do when attacked personally? When you are challenged, step down from the conflict as soon as possible. That is the only thing you can do.

Anger is a form of communication and communication is possible without using it. You can convey your thoughts and intentions without any need for anger. A person who understands with experience that they can communicate through language and the language of logic will not have {{c1::anger}}. People with short tempers do not know effective ways to communicate other than {{c1::anger}}.

In every power struggle, try not to criticize the other person even if you believe you are correct. If you are convinced you are right in an interpersonal relationship, you have stepped into a power struggle. The focus of the discussion changes to the state of the interpersonal relationship and becomes a contest. If you are right, the matter is closed. Do not try to make others submit to you.

Admitting a mistake is not admitting defeat. One with the mindset of not wanting to lose cannot admit their mistake. Admitting mistakes, apologies, and stepping down from power struggles are not losing. Focusing on winning and losing will cloud your judgement and cause you to turn down the wrong path. Take away the lenses of winning and losing in order to correct and change ourselves.

Overcoming the Tasks That Face You in Life

Clear objectives are laid out for human behavior and psychology. There are two objectives for {{c1::behavior}} in Adlerian psychology: to be self-reliant and live in harmony with society. There are two objectives for {{c1::psychology}} in Adlerian psychology: the consciousness of having ability and the consciousness of having comrades.

The objectives for behavior and psychology can be achieved by facing {{c1::life tasks}}. Tasks of {{c2::work}}, {{c2::friendship}}, and {{c2::love}} are all together the {{c1::life tasks}}. The {{c1::life tasks}} should be thought of in terms of {{c2::interpersonal relationships}} and the distance and depth of them.

One has no choice but to confront the {{c1::life tasks}} (Adlerian psychology).

Regardless of the kind of work, there is no work that can be completed all by oneself. Work that can be completed without the cooperation of other people is not feasible.

Interpersonal relationships of work may have the lowest hurdles. There is a common objective of getting good results. As long as the relationship is formed solely on the basis of work, it goes to being that of an outsider outside of work hours or when changing jobs. People who get tripped up here are the NEETs.

Red string and rigid chains

Tasks of friendships are relationships outside of work that are difficult to initiate or deepen. The distance and depth of the relationship are the important things to think about, not the number of friends.

Do not wait for others or the situation to change. You must start the change by changing yourself.

Tasks of love are divided into two stages: love relationships and relationships with family, in particular parent-child relationships. Tasks of love are the most difficult. A friend relationship that changes to love changes the relationship in ways such as not allowing speaking to others of the opposite sex because of jealousy (think of the deepness and closeness of the relationship). Relationships in which people restrict each other will fall apart. A relationship that feels oppressive or strained is not {{c1::love}}. Real {{c1::love}} should allow the person to be able to act how they like.

Parent-child relationships are like rigid chains while the other love relationships are like red strings. You must not runaway even if the end you are going to cut it with scissors. The worst thing to do is to stand still with the situation as it is. {{c1::Self-reliance}} as an individual and {{c1::cooperation}} within society are the overarching objectives that can be achieved by surmounting the {{c2::life tasks}}.

Don't fall for the life lie

The state of coming up with all matter of pretexts in order to avoid the life tasks is the {{c1::life lie}}. One shift's responsibility for the current situation to someone else. It is to say that the problems are due to other people or the situation.

A person chooses their own lifestyle. It is clear where the responsibility lies. The issue is again one of courage. If you are avoiding the {{c1::life tasks}} and clinging to a {{c2::life lie}}, it is not an {{c4::evil thing}}; it is only an issue of {{c3::courage}}.

From the psychology of possession to the psychology of practice

Adlerian psychology is a psychology of courage and not a psychology of possession, but a psychology of use. It is not what you have or were born with, but what use you make of that equipment. It is you who decides how you use what you have. It is a psychology of use. We are not at the mercy of etiological cause and effect traumas. From the standpoint of teleology, we choose our own lifestyles and lives.

Why You Dislike Yourself